Lotsa stuff to talk about...

A) "Rico" and i are officially done. done. done. done. i cant believe i gave that jerk another chance. oh yeah, and he broke up with me this time. You know why?? because i spent ONE weekend with my pals... and kapeesh... he assumes id put my friends infront of him when he was ALWAYS infront of everyone else in my liife.

B) "Helga" and i our friends again? I know... im as shocked as you. i almost cant process that information. How did that happen so quick? wah... i dont know. But im being smart... she hurt me, ditched me, yaddah yaddah-- and im not going to trust that girl. Ever.

C) Im actually moving on with my liife. I love my new friends, they told me they are there for me, and wll never hurt me. They tell me how much of a "poon" and jerk "Rico" is... and they ARE right. he is. i love them sooo muuch. <3

Playing with a random fish we found on the floor.

luunch... im chowing down on my chicken salad oblivious to the picture being taken. :/

I wrote...

"Helga" got a note from me. I couldnt take it.
I jotted several words saying that i dont want to be friends with her. I just cant deal with letting this conflict we had months ago fester on my chest.
I watched her read it.
And she didnt respond or say or even look at me.

Whatever, i expected that anyway...

random stuff and peechers

We got back together... yaddah yaddddddddddahhhh... Im happy? Crap, i dont know. I just feel like everything went back to normal... but is that normal life what i truely wanted?

Anyyyyywhooooooooooooooooo... I finally uploaded these pictures from the band sleepover. And when i say band i mean marching band.----- but dont worry, im not a goo-goo gaa-gaa nerd about it. I just love playin music. then again, im the hugest nerd ever regardless.

gettin ready fo da marchin!

zee bus ride to the Aloha Stadium

playing around in the gym at 2:00 in the morrow

swimming in my clothes... i forgot my beekeenee

finally falling asleep at 6:00 am

I truely appreciate times like these. Where i can loosen the screws and simply have an amazing silly time. Sometimes i wonder why i complain that im so lonely when i have amazing people like these. Sure their not perfect and always there to zip my fly (figure of speech), but they make me happy by just laughing at my corny jokes, or accepting me for the true freako i'll always be.

Im a sitting duck.

Now what in tarnations do i do?
"Rico"'s sorry... genuinly sorry. The only dirt smudge in this situation is he doesnt know exactly WHAT he's sorry for.
Am i dangling him on this string?

As much as the phrase "SAVE THE DRAMA FO YO MAMA" lingers at the top of my tounge. As much as i want to throw this stressful, pathetic, problem down a volcano.

I cant.

I cant let "Rico" go like that. I cant let our relationship shatter that way. I cant give up on my desision making. But i do need help.
My friends are just as clueless as me. My mom and family dont give a peice of crap what i do...

I can only close my eyes and hope the desision blossoms into my head. Let the vision of the future where i am either with "Rico" again... or living the single lady life, swarm and twirl through my mind.

Should i take "Rico" back?

My lil munchkin!

A long, long day. Swimming, sitting alone and doodaling in my journal, rejecting calls from "Rico", burning in the sun, and stuffing the extra flab on my butt into my race swim suit i come home tired and grumpy.

But then i hear a lil squak and see my neice now crawling towards me with a smile on her face.

Somehow all the bad thoughts, the tired feelings, the frustration, washed away. And now happiness and a goofy facial expression swarms me.

I love that goofy baby. She brings me happiness that comes without any effort. <3

The breakup

We broke up.
Actually, i broke up with him... 14 months together, me forming my whole life, my whole daily routine formed around him- all is over.
What happened doesnt matter. Because all he did was throw me under a bus harder then "Helga" did.
Now im filled with the hurt from her, and the new cuts that hes now digging into me... calling my new friends SLUTS, saying that i never loved him in the first place.. all this bull shit.
Im fucking 15 years old this drama that hes smashing into my face leaves me with this stress i can NOT bear.

I just feel like ive been lied to and stomped on... i dont know where to go, what to do, anymore. I dont know what to think of him because the day before yesterday i thought he was the most amazing person in the world.

Now im screaming at him to leave me ALONE.

Litterally as i write this blog, he just texted me "tounge peircing" because he's trying to prove to me how much of a slut one of my friends is...

This past week i guess he just randomly stopped caring about me...

I feared that so much, and countless times he PROMISED me it wouldnt happen... and it just did.

What do i do now?

Impossible

Im sitting in Keyboarding class. The class right after the class with you. I awkwardly sit infront of you because im forced to by the assigned seating.
I close my eyes and read the same sentence 15 times trying to get you mindless, croaky voice out of my thinking space. I suffocate, gasping for air, straining my nails against this steel cage to be let free from this dangling game you play with me. Yet, the cage that you keep me in is unlocked... but against all my will i cant open the door. I can't let you go...
With all that is in me I want to get "Helga" (the nickname for the girl that threw me under a bus when i needed her most), to stay out of my mind. I dont want to be affected by the words she calls me or the fact that she sits right behind me in a class. I try so hard to ignore her, ignore the random people who ask me if this obsourd rumor about me is true... but i can't.
Ive tried so many times that i gave up. And i just let her voice and words saw away at my already broken head.
People tell me that time tells everything, time will pass, and everything will be okay. I numbly nodded my head hoping that they are right all along.
But its been MONTHS... months of not even saying a word to her, but i still feel the same pain as the day everything happened.

What do i do? How do i do it?

I just want to know the answer... So i can finally let go and move on with my life.

A school day

My mind is going over Geometry problems and Chemistry equations... Can't think of anything to write.... So im going to express this beautiful Wednesday through piiictureess!!!

Early morning wake up

.

All happiness comes when i see "rico" waitin for mee

Walkin up the hill to go to schoo

 Crater behind our school

My best friend <3

Otherr best bud... Were just killing time at Recess

Going crrraaaazyyy at lunch... must be something in the Chicken nuggets...

Walking to class with the guys

After school with the sweetest person i'll ever meet

Walkin home with the pals... ^Well... "Curly" levatated... HAHA

Ahhhhhh... i love dayys like these... :)

My lips form ugly words when im angry. Words that spurt out with out any meaning or sence into them. Words meant to hurt you.
You listen to me jump and stumble with enthusiam as i explain in dragged out detail a movie your not even interested in. 
I sleep in and miss your band concert because i am tired. You wake up early to watch my waterpolo game even though you just sit there and watch with no concept of the game. 
When my phone is taken away, you wait for me in the wee hours of the night until my parents fall asleep so i can sneak downstairs and grab the phone, sacrificing your sleep just to talk to me for a few hours. 
Im ugly, too lanky, distracted, absorbed, blehhhh... 

But still, you tell me im beautiful. 
You tell me im amazing. 

You tell me that you love me. 

Now, what did i do to desearve someone like you? 

The answer remains unknown.  

^ Halloween night Diet Coke break...

I love you "Rico"... I dont know what i would do without you.

Thank you for everything. <3