Spinnning

My head spins and i close my eyes.
This dark blank room i now see is gorgeous compared to what is actually there infront of my squinched eyelids.
Your spit dropletts that spray out while your mouth forms the word that hurts me the most.. "dixlexia".
Authough my eyes are closed, i can stil see you. I can still invision your smirk. That certain smirk that dimples your cheek and flails your eyebrows.
The smirk that you put on when you win.
My weakness is far much more greater then yours. That word taunts me in my own mind as i write each word. i watch the red jagged line form under the millions of spelling errors i make for writing a simple report. When i hear it coming out of anyones... and expecially your mouth, i feel as though a hammer comes smashing to my head.
And I have to hide the pain, only revealing a stiff emotionless fighure on the out... yet I'm screaming in pain on the inside.

I feel so powerless... I feel so stupid.
I act like i dont care, but it kills me.

I wish i could read normally.

Butterflies

For the first time in so long... i actually feel butterflies when i see someone. He's smart, caring, and simple. Is it too soon that i like someone new?

Lotsa stuff to talk about...

A) "Rico" and i are officially done. done. done. done. i cant believe i gave that jerk another chance. oh yeah, and he broke up with me this time. You know why?? because i spent ONE weekend with my pals... and kapeesh... he assumes id put my friends infront of him when he was ALWAYS infront of everyone else in my liife.

B) "Helga" and i our friends again? I know... im as shocked as you. i almost cant process that information. How did that happen so quick? wah... i dont know. But im being smart... she hurt me, ditched me, yaddah yaddah-- and im not going to trust that girl. Ever.

C) Im actually moving on with my liife. I love my new friends, they told me they are there for me, and wll never hurt me. They tell me how much of a "poon" and jerk "Rico" is... and they ARE right. he is. i love them sooo muuch. <3

Playing with a random fish we found on the floor.

luunch... im chowing down on my chicken salad oblivious to the picture being taken. :/

I wrote...

"Helga" got a note from me. I couldnt take it.
I jotted several words saying that i dont want to be friends with her. I just cant deal with letting this conflict we had months ago fester on my chest.
I watched her read it.
And she didnt respond or say or even look at me.

Whatever, i expected that anyway...

random stuff and peechers

We got back together... yaddah yaddddddddddahhhh... Im happy? Crap, i dont know. I just feel like everything went back to normal... but is that normal life what i truely wanted?

Anyyyyywhooooooooooooooooo... I finally uploaded these pictures from the band sleepover. And when i say band i mean marching band.----- but dont worry, im not a goo-goo gaa-gaa nerd about it. I just love playin music. then again, im the hugest nerd ever regardless.

gettin ready fo da marchin!

zee bus ride to the Aloha Stadium

playing around in the gym at 2:00 in the morrow

swimming in my clothes... i forgot my beekeenee

finally falling asleep at 6:00 am

I truely appreciate times like these. Where i can loosen the screws and simply have an amazing silly time. Sometimes i wonder why i complain that im so lonely when i have amazing people like these. Sure their not perfect and always there to zip my fly (figure of speech), but they make me happy by just laughing at my corny jokes, or accepting me for the true freako i'll always be.

Im a sitting duck.

Now what in tarnations do i do?
"Rico"'s sorry... genuinly sorry. The only dirt smudge in this situation is he doesnt know exactly WHAT he's sorry for.
Am i dangling him on this string?

As much as the phrase "SAVE THE DRAMA FO YO MAMA" lingers at the top of my tounge. As much as i want to throw this stressful, pathetic, problem down a volcano.

I cant.

I cant let "Rico" go like that. I cant let our relationship shatter that way. I cant give up on my desision making. But i do need help.
My friends are just as clueless as me. My mom and family dont give a peice of crap what i do...

I can only close my eyes and hope the desision blossoms into my head. Let the vision of the future where i am either with "Rico" again... or living the single lady life, swarm and twirl through my mind.

Should i take "Rico" back?

My lil munchkin!

A long, long day. Swimming, sitting alone and doodaling in my journal, rejecting calls from "Rico", burning in the sun, and stuffing the extra flab on my butt into my race swim suit i come home tired and grumpy.

But then i hear a lil squak and see my neice now crawling towards me with a smile on her face.

Somehow all the bad thoughts, the tired feelings, the frustration, washed away. And now happiness and a goofy facial expression swarms me.

I love that goofy baby. She brings me happiness that comes without any effort. <3

The breakup

We broke up.
Actually, i broke up with him... 14 months together, me forming my whole life, my whole daily routine formed around him- all is over.
What happened doesnt matter. Because all he did was throw me under a bus harder then "Helga" did.
Now im filled with the hurt from her, and the new cuts that hes now digging into me... calling my new friends SLUTS, saying that i never loved him in the first place.. all this bull shit.
Im fucking 15 years old this drama that hes smashing into my face leaves me with this stress i can NOT bear.

I just feel like ive been lied to and stomped on... i dont know where to go, what to do, anymore. I dont know what to think of him because the day before yesterday i thought he was the most amazing person in the world.

Now im screaming at him to leave me ALONE.

Litterally as i write this blog, he just texted me "tounge peircing" because he's trying to prove to me how much of a slut one of my friends is...

This past week i guess he just randomly stopped caring about me...

I feared that so much, and countless times he PROMISED me it wouldnt happen... and it just did.

What do i do now?

Impossible

Im sitting in Keyboarding class. The class right after the class with you. I awkwardly sit infront of you because im forced to by the assigned seating.
I close my eyes and read the same sentence 15 times trying to get you mindless, croaky voice out of my thinking space. I suffocate, gasping for air, straining my nails against this steel cage to be let free from this dangling game you play with me. Yet, the cage that you keep me in is unlocked... but against all my will i cant open the door. I can't let you go...
With all that is in me I want to get "Helga" (the nickname for the girl that threw me under a bus when i needed her most), to stay out of my mind. I dont want to be affected by the words she calls me or the fact that she sits right behind me in a class. I try so hard to ignore her, ignore the random people who ask me if this obsourd rumor about me is true... but i can't.
Ive tried so many times that i gave up. And i just let her voice and words saw away at my already broken head.
People tell me that time tells everything, time will pass, and everything will be okay. I numbly nodded my head hoping that they are right all along.
But its been MONTHS... months of not even saying a word to her, but i still feel the same pain as the day everything happened.

What do i do? How do i do it?

I just want to know the answer... So i can finally let go and move on with my life.

A school day

My mind is going over Geometry problems and Chemistry equations... Can't think of anything to write.... So im going to express this beautiful Wednesday through piiictureess!!!

Early morning wake up

.

All happiness comes when i see "rico" waitin for mee

Walkin up the hill to go to schoo

 Crater behind our school

My best friend <3

Otherr best bud... Were just killing time at Recess

Going crrraaaazyyy at lunch... must be something in the Chicken nuggets...

Walking to class with the guys

After school with the sweetest person i'll ever meet

Walkin home with the pals... ^Well... "Curly" levatated... HAHA

Ahhhhhh... i love dayys like these... :)

My lips form ugly words when im angry. Words that spurt out with out any meaning or sence into them. Words meant to hurt you.
You listen to me jump and stumble with enthusiam as i explain in dragged out detail a movie your not even interested in. 
I sleep in and miss your band concert because i am tired. You wake up early to watch my waterpolo game even though you just sit there and watch with no concept of the game. 
When my phone is taken away, you wait for me in the wee hours of the night until my parents fall asleep so i can sneak downstairs and grab the phone, sacrificing your sleep just to talk to me for a few hours. 
Im ugly, too lanky, distracted, absorbed, blehhhh... 

But still, you tell me im beautiful. 
You tell me im amazing. 

You tell me that you love me. 

Now, what did i do to desearve someone like you? 

The answer remains unknown.  

^ Halloween night Diet Coke break...

I love you "Rico"... I dont know what i would do without you.

Thank you for everything. <3

The Update On Leah

A new blog, a new excuse and way that I can spill every thought into. As my first post, I thought that i would just update you about that things (don't worry i only put interesting things), that are going on in my life.

Im 15 and a Sophmore. I yearn for so much acceptance from everyone there... the teachers, the students, whoEVER, but i somehow lost the ability to get that attention that i yearn so much for. And why don't i start trying to get that "ability"?? Well, its simply because i've already tried... And my attempt has failed everytime.

And i gave up a long time ago.

As for my family, i feel as though im the black sheep. The one who always gets in trouble, whos face is always buried in a book or journal, or if not that, is always out and about walking around or with the "wrong" friends. Everyone is very straight cut and military, and somehow the youngest of the daughters popped out as a dramatic, free, expressive spirit.

Though my supply in friends is limited, i sure keep them close and give them the respect they desearve. You see, freshman year i somehow squeezed myself into the popular, "too hot to handle" white crew group. I call it the "white crew" because being in a school full of mokes and titas (slang for hawaiian local people), i guess all the white pretty girls all clumped together as a group. And though im not pretty, i guess since i was white i was accepted. Yet this summer, i was dumped by the leader, now making me a non member of the group. And thank God my boyfriend "Rico" was there to catch me and be there for me when no one else would. It's been months and i've been somehow making new friends...

Anyway, thats basically all that i can say right nowww. If anyone is reading this, my blog entrys are usually just going to be on one subject and usually will have a creative writing twist into it. I promise i'll keep things interestiinggg.