Spinnning

My head spins and i close my eyes.
This dark blank room i now see is gorgeous compared to what is actually there infront of my squinched eyelids.
Your spit dropletts that spray out while your mouth forms the word that hurts me the most.. "dixlexia".
Authough my eyes are closed, i can stil see you. I can still invision your smirk. That certain smirk that dimples your cheek and flails your eyebrows.
The smirk that you put on when you win.
My weakness is far much more greater then yours. That word taunts me in my own mind as i write each word. i watch the red jagged line form under the millions of spelling errors i make for writing a simple report. When i hear it coming out of anyones... and expecially your mouth, i feel as though a hammer comes smashing to my head.
And I have to hide the pain, only revealing a stiff emotionless fighure on the out... yet I'm screaming in pain on the inside.

I feel so powerless... I feel so stupid.
I act like i dont care, but it kills me.

I wish i could read normally.

Butterflies

For the first time in so long... i actually feel butterflies when i see someone. He's smart, caring, and simple. Is it too soon that i like someone new?

Lotsa stuff to talk about...

A) "Rico" and i are officially done. done. done. done. i cant believe i gave that jerk another chance. oh yeah, and he broke up with me this time. You know why?? because i spent ONE weekend with my pals... and kapeesh... he assumes id put my friends infront of him when he was ALWAYS infront of everyone else in my liife.

B) "Helga" and i our friends again? I know... im as shocked as you. i almost cant process that information. How did that happen so quick? wah... i dont know. But im being smart... she hurt me, ditched me, yaddah yaddah-- and im not going to trust that girl. Ever.

C) Im actually moving on with my liife. I love my new friends, they told me they are there for me, and wll never hurt me. They tell me how much of a "poon" and jerk "Rico" is... and they ARE right. he is. i love them sooo muuch. <3

Playing with a random fish we found on the floor.

luunch... im chowing down on my chicken salad oblivious to the picture being taken. :/

I wrote...

"Helga" got a note from me. I couldnt take it.
I jotted several words saying that i dont want to be friends with her. I just cant deal with letting this conflict we had months ago fester on my chest.
I watched her read it.
And she didnt respond or say or even look at me.

Whatever, i expected that anyway...

random stuff and peechers

We got back together... yaddah yaddddddddddahhhh... Im happy? Crap, i dont know. I just feel like everything went back to normal... but is that normal life what i truely wanted?

Anyyyyywhooooooooooooooooo... I finally uploaded these pictures from the band sleepover. And when i say band i mean marching band.----- but dont worry, im not a goo-goo gaa-gaa nerd about it. I just love playin music. then again, im the hugest nerd ever regardless.

gettin ready fo da marchin!

zee bus ride to the Aloha Stadium

playing around in the gym at 2:00 in the morrow

swimming in my clothes... i forgot my beekeenee

finally falling asleep at 6:00 am

I truely appreciate times like these. Where i can loosen the screws and simply have an amazing silly time. Sometimes i wonder why i complain that im so lonely when i have amazing people like these. Sure their not perfect and always there to zip my fly (figure of speech), but they make me happy by just laughing at my corny jokes, or accepting me for the true freako i'll always be.

Im a sitting duck.

Now what in tarnations do i do?
"Rico"'s sorry... genuinly sorry. The only dirt smudge in this situation is he doesnt know exactly WHAT he's sorry for.
Am i dangling him on this string?

As much as the phrase "SAVE THE DRAMA FO YO MAMA" lingers at the top of my tounge. As much as i want to throw this stressful, pathetic, problem down a volcano.

I cant.

I cant let "Rico" go like that. I cant let our relationship shatter that way. I cant give up on my desision making. But i do need help.
My friends are just as clueless as me. My mom and family dont give a peice of crap what i do...

I can only close my eyes and hope the desision blossoms into my head. Let the vision of the future where i am either with "Rico" again... or living the single lady life, swarm and twirl through my mind.

Should i take "Rico" back?

My lil munchkin!

A long, long day. Swimming, sitting alone and doodaling in my journal, rejecting calls from "Rico", burning in the sun, and stuffing the extra flab on my butt into my race swim suit i come home tired and grumpy.

But then i hear a lil squak and see my neice now crawling towards me with a smile on her face.

Somehow all the bad thoughts, the tired feelings, the frustration, washed away. And now happiness and a goofy facial expression swarms me.

I love that goofy baby. She brings me happiness that comes without any effort. <3